sleeping in sparkles

if you're having trouble falling asleep after you weaned yourself off the subclinical dose of Lexapro, try sequins and washed cotton. this is what nancy did thanks to the lovely hand me down Sparkle Shrug she recieved in a Neiman Marcus trashbag from leslie this weekend. many things in the bag are intended for Maddy but Nancy frequently highjacks some of the best stuff first.
the tee shirt material is very light weight, you hardly know you're wearing it and it happily draws lots of attention to your breasts. wear it over a muted brown tee and it appears even more tossed on, like it's not a big deal that you're wearing sparkles on your tits. the palette is earthy, muted. it's a mixing of metaphors. it's Vegas with Earthtones. you can pull this off.
then..fall asleep in it, in your daughters hot pink casbah bedroom as she reads the latest entry from Fiske's Guide to Colleges 2007. in fact, read about Tulane and wicked New Orleans since you both just got back from the sparkly jazzy city. it'll feel like a sweet bed time story as you drift off hearing about survival post-Katrina, the lure of the South, and the lovely oak trees surrounding the quad..........
have a good night's sleep in your sparkle shirt and black cords from the Gap. and don't feel bad that you highjacked the little shrug from maddy--she didn't want it anyway as she currently doesn't need anything to attract more attention to her breasts. they're doing just fine without added sparkles.
after a good night's sleep in maddy's bed with her and her delicious curvy pillow of a body, wake up, walk down the hallway and say good morning to your son. when he looks at you and says nothing other than: Nice Hair...go to your iMac, launch Photobooth and see why he said that. don't move a hair, don't get vain and self conscious, just immediately shoot a photo.
note that your hair does look pretty funny.
also note that there's a self portrait in the background of this shot--from yet another day when you painted yourself in a sparkly hippy shirt. even before coffee, this feels like a movie within a movie or a potential Dutch painting within a painting or maybe just a funny Frida Kahlo. (not so dark and bloody but hopefully with some of the same humble and anecdotal self examination and artifacts of daily life.)

finally and most importantly, note that your son has been inured to the fact that you regularly sleep in your clothes.
all he notices is your hair's a little goofy.

get really excited about this..jot it down, but don't get too distracted--it's time to make lunches. quickly snap another close up of the sparkles for detail like any good stylist or archeologist would. and get cracking on your day job--
steak sandwich for maddy, chinese chicken salad for jonah. when jonah whines and wants the sandwich too....just tell him you'll make him one that afternoon and he'll stop complaining and forget to ask you for it later. this works with the youngest child who has inherited your ADD and sense of adaptability. but if he's environmentally (nature vs nurture) tipped to perpetual carniverous hunger like his sister and injustice collecting like your ex, you'll have to come up with another plan or make sure you have enough leftover flank steak in the fridge to eek out one more sandwich after school.

THEN.... when the kids are happily at school in Digital Time (at 9:43 jonah notes, just 8 minutes before the second bell which rings at 9:51) return to your iPhoto post and your blog and Give Advice. let everyone know that the black cords from the Gap weren't as comfy as the pj bottoms from Old Navy. you're indeed discovering 25 years after you studied Marx and the arbitrariness/manipulation of adverstising that it's not a Capitalist plot to market pajamas and bathrobes specifically for night wear. they ARE in fact more comfortable to sleep in than soft cozy cordoroys or light weight denim or feather weight tees with sparkles. but you still stand by your discovery that Ensure, which is 300 calories of vitamin foritified chocolate milk for old people who forget to eat IS the identical product as Slimfast which is 300 calories of vitamin fortified chocolate milk for people who are too fat and should forget to eat.

SO, though you have to operate a little outside your literal comfort zone to fall asleep in your clothes and actually wear them again the next day, it is good for the environment much like re-using a box from UPS. less washing of clothes. more usages per unit.

best of all, you're a huge advocate for falling asleep in your daywear because it means you're dressed when it's time to take the kids to school. a real time saver considering your kids operate in digital time.

ok back to work. thank god for Photobooth-- the electron microscope of modern behavior. better and more accurate than a mirror because it snaps things before you have time to edit and manipulate. like having a giant candid camera in your living room, it records evidence of socio-fashion moments in their raw disinhibited state, prior to injesting that half tab of 10mg sub-clinical Lexapro which is supposed to "help" with the impulse control.
ok. really gotta go.
must draw some wine labels and make some money before my child support runs out.

missed car payment and deadlines

oops. forgot to look.

Organized Daughter suggested to mom that she get a Whiteboard. organization of ANYTHING makes maddy feel less anxious. it's not about content--just the act of Organizing calms her and contains her hostility and junior year resentment for maybe an hour or two before she starts blaming younger brother and mom for NOT being as organized as she is. or dad is. on top of everything else, she's pissed that nancy and jonah are having just a little too much fun. all the time. nancy whollups this remark with the most psychologically incorrect thing she could come up with: she points out to Organized Anxious Blaming Daughter that she gets these negative genes from....dad. nancy feels only a little bit guilty saying this because (truth be told, and nancy says this too) someone should've knocked this negative shit out of dad when he was HER age and maybe nancy and ex would still be married. (a two-fer of Psychological Incorrectness)
these wolf's comments in sheeps clothes indeed work to squelch and beat down what nancy considers a trait she'd like to see become extinct in this next generation. in this way, nancy feels she's actually doing something really Good even though it comes off really Bad.
and nancy's learning too. being organizationally challenged, nancy appreciates the suggestion of getting a whiteboard. in fact, maddy and nancy joyfully go to Office Max and pick one out together. they miraculously leave Office Max having spent 27.50, the smallest amount they've ever spent there! they attribute this to not bringing Jonah along, who would've wrangled into the deal a few thousand more magic markers, some game boy attachments and binders He'll Never Use.

for the first few days Nancy LOVES the whiteboard. uses it. thrives with it.
problem is, school's still on and Maddy's not here during the day to make sure nancy looks at it. maybe nancy will be better with the whiteboard when maddy's on vacation.

today nancy is wearing bell bottomed pale green Abercrombie cords (leslie has assured nancy that she will let her know when she's not allowed to wear Abercrombie anymore) with a smooth cotton Velvet tee in a complimentary muted shade of eggplant. she accessorizes the 70s look with some hippie earrings of moonstone and tooled silver that she bought unceremoniously just two days ago before her first-ever Internet Date (she was Bachelorette #2 for her date who had slightly more experience doing this than she). nancy wears a brand new Black Muji watch in an effort to bring back the green one that Otto ate. it only sort of works, the green one was better. she wears black flip flops under the big wide bells because she might go get a pedicure later -- but only if she remembers to look at her Whiteboard today and get her work done.

last (married) guy i dated

it didn't really work out. but my doctor says, as an artist, i'm allowed to get my feelings out through my art -- to draw and photoshop anything i want as long as it doesn't make me look bad. in other words, i can make other people look bad as long as i don't send it around and make someone mad at me. those are the Impulse Control guidelines. more difficult to maintain than you'd think.
i can even turn people into weasels if necessary---particularly if their last name suggests that. ie: this is bruce weasel.
get the joke? i can't take credit for that. Melissa's my wordsmith. she called it before i did. thinking you're falling in love is a psychotic state apparently and it's hard to see a weasel during that stage. especially if you're signing divorce papers and turning 50 all on the same day. dr. latz said this one set up like a Greek Tragedy. that makes me feel like it wasn't all my fault. that makes me feel supported.
but FYI, i don't use my photoshop skills just for hostility.
i'm also available to trim hips and take out dark circles under eyes if i like you. if i'm in love with you, i'll even create clever flattering flirty drawings too.
it's probably a not a bad idea to stay on my good side.

finally...some content management!!

dear Plothickins team members...nancy will now be Outsourcing to India!
this way she won't skip a day or two when she's busy with the kids or on deadline with so-called Real jobs. you'll get to hear from Aman Choudhary, Managing Partner--a Solutions Specialist, maybe he'd like to meet Michelle the Area Specialist? (see January). Regardless, he will be able to take care of all your Plothickins needs while nancy's driving to SAMOHI, drawing spot illustrations, bbq-ing a Memorial Day flank steak or just cleaning up Otto's poop under her desk (his fav spot).
never again will anyone have to go to The Plothickins and find a stale entry....Aman Choudhary wants to work this Organization and keep lines open 24/7.

see below:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am following up on the email I had sent you last week.

Aman Choudhary, Managing Partner and Founder, IOTAP would like me to arrange a conference call with you.

If you have few minutes to spare Aman would like to discuss the following items:
a) Discuss possible partnership possibilities
b) Present a proposal on how IOTAP can work together with your organization
c) References and case studies of IOTAP's working relationship with other companies and how they have benefited

I have attached a copy IOTAP's pricing sheet for your reference.

Let me know if you or someone appropriate would be able to speak with Aman.

You can view a brief flash presentation of our CRM Practice on: http://www.iotap.com/cms

If you have any questions, please let me know. I look forward on hearing back from you.

Regards - Ashwini
_______________________________________
Ashwini Kulkarni
Solutions Specialist, IOTAP
(O) USA +1.480.282.8751
(O) India +91.22.2837.5300
(E) akulkarni@iotap.com
(W) www.iotap.com

From: Ashwini Kulkarni [mailto:akulkarni@iotap.com]
Sent: Friday, May 25, 2007 3:18 PM
To: 'nancy@nancy.com'
Subject: Content Management Solution from IOTAP

Dear Nancy,
I found details about your Nancy in a web design directory.

I am Solutions Specialist at IOTAP which provides Content Management Solutions.

At a high level, the following is what we would like to offer you:
- A Content Management System to your customers, so they can easily update web content in a Microsoft word like editor
- The website can be easily integrated with Google

How can we work together:
- Your company would design the wire frame (template) and supply us that
- IOTAP’s engineers would convert that design and deploy that on a Content Management Solution

Here is a flash presentation on our CMS solution offering: www.iotap.com/cms

we use Dot Net Nuke (DNN) product in our CMS Solution.

Regards –Ashwini

_______________________________________
Ashwini Kulkarni
Solutions Specialist, IOTAP
(O) USA +1.480.282.8751
(O) India +91.22.2837.5300
(E) akulkarni@iotap.com
(W) www.iotap.com

my roommates at the Ritz Carlton

Back from Bourbon Street

Where's your Binder Reminder?

jonah keeps his right here.

"Binder Reminder" is the cute little name for the datebook given out to all highschool students to keep track of their studies and sports. it's got the school logo on its cover and nancy loves the way 'don't forget your Binder Reminder!' sounds so much better than 'get your fucking homework done." nancy thinks the Binder Reminder *dresses up* what could be an unpleasant or challenging concept. the happy rhyming words make the odious task of remembering to study for that math quiz or show up for the 7am 5K seem FUN! and the space for writing is really really small...so you can't fill it up with lots of junk. you have to pare it down BEFORE you write, so even the act of fitting all your important stuff into a 1.5x1.5 inch square box gets you organized right away!

Organizationally Gifted Daughter takes to this like a Jewish princess to Marc Jacobs. she has hers with her at all times,
in fact, at this moment it's IN her Marc Jacobs bag. today, May 22nd, like every other day is crammed with homework assignments, errands to run, phonecalls to make....reminders galore that give Maddy a real leg up on her day.
and what she can't fit in here, she puts on her White Board at home. and what doesn't fit on her White Board she makes her mother remember or her father pay for.

in contrast to his sister--like complementary colors, as yellow is to purple, like yin is to yang -- Organizationally Challenged Son keeps his Binder Reminder on the floor of the front seat of mom's car.
nothing has been entered since early April except for a "reminder" to himself that it's his birthday.
since we like to think of ourselves as a supportive family who embraces diversity (and we're so good at wearing even bad things well and we don't like to be too matchy/matchy with our outfits or our personalities) we consider it progress that anything has been entered at all. moreover, we fully accept and almost appreciate the zen quality of jonah's empty binder reminder. that's why, it remains yet again on the floor of mom's car getting trampled by feet in late May next to his Spanish book which hasn't been opened since February. Unphased by this, the human Binder Reminder daughter/sister faithfully and sweetly asks organizationally challenged brother: Don't you need your Binder Reminder? and proud mom watches her teens tumble out of the car as he says for the 47th day in a row: No.

and jonah walks off without his Binder Reminder. but we tried. and we'll try again tomorrow.
Is this love or enabling? optimism or codependence? hope springs eternal and the glass half full?
or a form of OCD in one kid, ADD/sociopathy in the other and a mom with a little too much magical thinking.
makes you wonder, is it possible to secrete TOO MUCH serotonin? should i not find this all so Positive...and cute?
as long as we're pathologizing, maybe it's that oft-invoked definition of insanity that bitter bummer ex-father-in-law Grandpa12Step likes to spew - the one about doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results.

all nancy notices is that they leave the car happy, together...and thoroughly entertaining.
still fighting the good sibling fight. resilient and hopeful.
saying Bye mom, i love you. see you at 3.
and all joking aside, nancy thinks this looks and IS pretty great.
the fact that they watch out for each other makes nancy wear a very big smile.
corny as it sounds, she drives out of the morning school traffic with a full happy heart filled with the humor and great goofy love of her kids from whom she always learns so much. whether it's how to stay away from weird hats--you don't wanna become a Weird Hat Mom and they'll let you know if you are. or how to stay a kind, hopeful, loving person despite the occasional Shut up you Fucktard. all this makes nancy feel like maybe she's doing a good job with them. or maybe she's just lucky--like being born with a fast metabolism. but right now nancy feesl pretty darn good about the People her kids are becoming from the inside out, binder reminders or not, as she drives home in the wrinkled clothes she slept in last night.

which brings us to....
today nancy is wearing a white linen shirt and a cotton blend strawberry shake colored sweater. just like the shake she got jonah from In n Out burger last night at 10:30pm. she wears a fleur de lis around her neck from new orleans that reminds her of those st. christophers she always wanted as a teen but couldn't get cuz she was jewish in mar vista. she's wearing levi jeans that are a weird light weight of denim but have a nice, flattering taper to the leg. as far as sleeping in clothes, this was an excellent choice, not that she thought about it much, being somewhat drowsy after enjoying an ice cold pale yellow Kumquat Sake after work with a Benedryl chaser to get the buzzing out of her ears from the flight home from New Orleans two days ago. but the outfit, such as it is, wears the wrinkles well. as we all know, linen is of course GREAT for that, the more wrinkled the better. the more disheveled the sexier! and FYI, nancy found the light weight denim far more comfortable to sleep in than the indigo dyed firmer denim of her cropped japanese brand jeans which have a more snug fit but leave painful and unattractive indentations on your skin in the morning. here are those jeans in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton, New Orleans. in the spirit of Jonah's binder reminder which only shows his birthday, nancy has cropped the shot of the cropped jeans because nancy didn't like her face in this picture. and she was wearing a weird Mom Hat. she's learned something from jonah's minimalist binder reminder -- just crop out the bad stuff and keep the good!!