J. sCrew Catalogue

pink ecstacy

pink agony

Next Generation Vildezach: i've created a monster

....or so my ex says about our beautiful firey tempered daughter when he can't handle her rage. or her neediness. or her power. and so i found myself saying those words to her last weekend as she and i went at it yet again on the 405 FWY as i got us incredibly lost and ran a light and she yelled at me and i thought she was blaming me for something when she was appropriately hysterical that i was about to cause an accident. she took over driving at that point. i surrendered. i had been taking Zaida's "short-cut" to Orange County (to make him happy) and a drive that should've taken 55 minutes turned into 2 and a half hours. we ended up at Knotts Berry Farm at one point. and then we finally got decent directions from a Korean couple who we flagged down in a Buddhist gated community in Irvine. they were so nice. and calm. and we Jews were so rattled and lost. or at least i was. partly it's been the stresses of college applications. and up and down love affairs. *we* got deferred for the moment - from Bard and from men we know. we're gonna have to try harder and that's of course a good thing but it makes us mad.
her name is Mad. how perfect is that? makes me remember how my mother used to call my brother Hitler when he misbehaved. demonizing is a family tradition! but the upside is: we don't give up on each other...maybe it's co-dependent or the devil we know. i like to think it's love. and this girl's gonna be just fine. i should just stay out of her business more. and if i feel i have to control her i should just stick with what i know how to do which is painting her - framing my vildezach (wild one) on a canvas with acrylic paint. drawing her gorgeous loopy hair tangled up in a pony tail. i'm proud of my little monster. and look how pretty she is.

Ding Dong Ditch: a prayer for Zalman

a friend of a dear friend's 16yo boy is hanging on to life support today. his name is Zalman. everyone is being asked to pray for him. i worry that i don't know how to pray. especially for someone i don't know that well. as a mother of course i can empathize. but i feel inept when it comes to praying. and it makes me feel like i'm a bad person. but i think it's no accident that i've been threatening to paint a picture of my 15yo son for the last year, wanting so badly to capture this painful but exquisitely dear moment in his life where he's growing over night but his nose doesn't match his knees and he still asks me to sit with him when he's scared but finds me incredibly embarrassing. he's got pimples and random hairs but the prognosis is very good that he's on his way to being incredibly handsome. he sleeps with his ugly doll and 3 animals and his voice is as deep as his fathers. he's the man of the house since his dad doesn't live here and but he got caught and bopped in the eye for playing Ding Dong Ditch with his friends last week. he's my Jonah. and i finally got off my lazy ass and painted this fleeting moment of his precious awkwardness before it turns into something else. it's my prayer for Ben and Marlene's Zalman. it's not finished yet. i'll keep praying, i'm mean painting.