Are You Experienced?

some campaign suggestions for Hillary

According to the NY Times today, Obama sneezed at a rally in Texas and everyone clapped. I'd like to suggest to Hillary's advisors that with all due respect (and i mean this) to her incredible fortitude, intelligence, work-a-day drive and awesome Experience when it comes to transcending the impact of another political rock star's spewed bodily fluids - that when Obama farts in Ohio next week and the crowd starts flashing the slash metal Bullhorn, that's probably her signal to graciously step down and uh, smell the coffee. or something.

Some Kind of Monster

Blazing Saddles (and getting REAL) at the Texas Debate

i have to admit, hillary made a good point last night. it's time to get REAL and no better place than in supersized Texas.
afterall....size DOES matter. and here's the real reason white bitches in Texas are finally sidling (and saddling) up to Obamamania!

Hit the link....Go Barack. use all your gifts baby!! Don't feel guilty!

http://www.ladyofthecake.com/mel/saddles/sounds/gifted.wav

this message is brought to you with Xeroxed credit upfront to Mel Brooks for having the chutzpah to be REAL 25 years ago and to Madeleine Kahn for her brilliant and yet Academy Award deficient portrayal of Lily Von Schtupp. gosh, when will any artist get credit and/or money in Real Time? god knows i'm still waiting.

More Jewish Metal

Preaching to the Converted: Nancy McCoy

unbeknownst to my adorable overtly bullying neo-con (closet obama loving!!) father....when he bought me a subscription to Commentary a few months ago so we could "discuss politics" together (he thought: I'll teach her! she thought: know thy enemy)...the Commentary bozos couldnt' read dad's Doctor Writing and thought my name was Nancy McCoy. and i'm kinda warming up to it though it's still remarkable that even when my name gets botched i can't get away from Star Trek!!....that's Doctor McCoy to you.

$3 - $10 per illustration--Have a fantabulous day!

here's my most recent SALES pitch from India. i think i can't pass this one up.

and they already wrote me back!

On Feb 20, 2008, at 11:09 AM, Sales wrote:

Hi.

We are a registered member of Indian Printers Association (IPA). We are a 7 decade old, 100-people artwork/graphics Company located in India with an marketing office in Rochester, NY. We have received the prestigious Presidential Award and the National awards for the high quality in designing and printing.

Please be advised that we are the No.1 Company in India charging low rates to US & UK customers on Artworks & Advertisements.

Artworks
We accept electronic non-camera ready artwork for Vectorization, Cleaning, Four Color Process Separation, Color Separation, Typesetting, Virtual Spec Sample, Paper Proof, Editing Photographs, Concept art etc and make it camera ready within 16-24 hrs time. In the case of rush jobs the turnaround time will be 6 hrs.

Jobs Undertaken

- Print
- Brochures
- Fliers
- Postcards
- Business Cards
- Logos
- Artwork
- Websites
- Embroidery - Digitizing
- Advertisements
- Magazines

Free Trial for artwork

Send an artwork job through e-mail along with the instructions and we will send a camera-ready job the very next working day for absolutely free of cost.
A maximum of 3 revisions of an artwork is not charged to all our customers.
For Creative/Concept Arts, you can send us your ideas along with clear instructions and a rough sketch of the image.

Advertisements
The charges for designing ads starts from minimum $5 with unlimited revisions.

Details required for Artwork file:

1. Type of jobs.
2. PC or MAC based.
3. Output Format.
4. Clear instructions and Rough sketch for Concept Art.
5. Input materials for ads.
6. No. of colors


Price Range:

$3.00 - $10.00 for a single color artwork redraw or recreation.

Clients: We service 10 of ASI's top 40 suppliers and distributors.

Advantages:

ü Utilize us for dealing with artwork volumes beyond normal production capacity
ü End-of-day artwork jobs can be sent to us and we will send camera-ready artwork the next working day before your production begins
ü Six-day-a-week servicing
ü Servicing during American holidays
ü Ability to handle Seasonal spurts
ü No minimum volume commitment
ü No upfront costs
ü No contracts
ü 24/6 customer service support

Looking forward for a long term business relationship.

Have a fantabulous day!
Alexander
Business Development
Eternity Services Pvt. Ltd.
Email: sales@eternityservices.com | www.eternityservices.com
Tel: No. +001 347-820-9235
Yahoo! – eternityindia | AOL - eternityin | Skype - eternityin
Online from 12.30 pm EST 5.00 pm EST



hi "Alexander"

how much would you charge to make a brochure for my recreational sex business? i'm a "cute" 51 year old divorced American mother who looks younger than i am according to my father and a couple of my "clients". I don't think i'll need to be "vectorized" but i'm glad to know you can do unlimited revisions for five dollars.

and i'm really won over by the fact that you do "seasonal spurts". let's get started!!

funny.....just today i read on the front page of the LA Times today about my 86 year old neighbor Selma Manheim selling her life insurance policy to make cash and give gifts to her grandchildren. and then i got your wonderful offer to vectorize and work holidays. small world!! didn't take much for my razor sharp latent financial mind to connect the dots like a horny hedge fun(d) pro...so now i'd like to see if i can sell my wares and perhaps pay off some debt. my short and long term goal is to support myself and my Prada habit after my kids inherit their millions from their celebrity grandfather...it's unconscionable to rely on your kids when you get old. i'm doing this for THEM.
further, if Obama really becomes president and Pakistan doesn't blow us up...i hope to maximize my chances for experiencing whatever's left of my pre-menopausal sex drive. i'd like to have a little fun while i can, before the hormones go down and the lexapro dosage goes up.

i have jpegs i can send you. but i can't post them here because my kids and their friends read this blog and contrary to neighborhood opinion, i DO have some boundaries. in the meantime....what would you charge to do a tri-fold (ooo!) 8.5x11 Ma(i)ler (yuk yuk) with a hot naked pic of a mid-century babe on the cover and my logo at the top. i'll provide the logo art which i had done for sexual favors a couple years ago when i was still married. it's dreamy. and since i AM a graphic artist...as great as your price is to "convert art" for a mere $3 (you don't even need "camera ready art"...boy they are training you Indians much better over there....always knew you had good engineers, but photoshoppers? America is doomed....anyway, you won't have to monkey with my image because i have good genes and i know how to shoot myself at the right angle. i have all images saved as EPS ...it's ready to go when you are!

4 color please. i like pink and orange.

best, nancy

ps. i might be interested in your "embroidering" option as well. depends what you charge.
but it sound like it hurts and that sound like fun.


Hi Nancy.

Could you please send us the jpegs, so that our team knows that 51 is worth for recreational business.

Regards
Alex


Dear "Alex",
i will absolutely send you a jpeg so you know that 51 is "worth for" recreational business!
once you see my jpegs baby, you'll see that 51 is worth because, for and from recreational business too!!
have a fantabulous day! and give my regards to the Team.
love nancy

home delivery

today, in an effort to pathetically improve upon my remedial time/management skills, i can still hear my jerry lewis licking ex quasi mother in law yelling at me to "delegate! delegate! nancy you've got to delegate more!" and she wasn't talking Election 08, she was giving lessons in domestic oppression circa 1998 and power management plugs as she draped a neo-faux feminist shekina shmata on her head on shabbat...that is, when she wasn't swimming in St Bart or hosting a Moca fundraiser or serving her witches brew of El Savdoran made chicken soup..

so, as i slog thru my ambivalence of this particular super delegate diatribe...maybe she was right??...look what a mess my house is! and as i feel pretty much the same disillusionment watching the democratic party threaten to slug itself out clawing for super delegates this summer) and as i try desparately to maintain the Audacity of Hope and not succumb to my very own Senioritis as my burnt out highschool senior justifiably experiences hers.....in the middle of ALL this.....i innocently write Vons.com today to ask them for my password and to finally give the home delivery thing a shot. you know, to efficiently order a few things online so that i could be doing something More Important with my time - like bond with the kids watching lipstick lesbians have sex on The L word or analyze marriages falling apart on In Treatment or watch rock bands beat adversity as they work thru botched pyrotechnics on Behind the Music with Metallica on VHI....

or better yet, snuggle up on the couch with my two cuties to watch Obama hopefully win Wisonsin today.

but two minutes after i write Vons.com to confirm my "password" i get an email back from Safeway.com.
and that didn't make me feel safe in any way....or time-managed.
AAAKKKK!!! that made me feel even more overwhelmed and confused.
and sad about the state of our union and where to buy Fruit Loops.

i don't like ordering 2 percent milk from Vons.com and hearing back from Safeway. it makes me paranoid.
am i over-reacting?

i think i better just go drive and get the milk myself.
i'll recognize the streets and the logo. and maybe even the brand of milk. and maybe i'll take one of my kids along and i'll recognize them too. i dont' want to know that Vons is owned by Safeway and probably Time/Warner too. and funded by the US Military backed by oil in Saudi Arabia.
and i dont' want to find out about it on the email like a dirty piece of porn your ex is hiding.

i feel so sad that no one is who they say they are anymore. least of all me.
hillary.com is mcCain.net
Edwards idealists are now Obama lynchers.
and supposedly "seasoned" and educated democrats who justifiably but viciously and rightiously complained for the last seven years that Bush used the word "Nucular" are now mad at Barack for speaking too well??!!!!! and because he speaks so well, there's no substance?????

i want to hit somebody.

and ALL THIS because i set out to save time and try to be a better mom and order my Cocoa Puffs online.
now i'm more depressed and immoblized and confused than ever.

go away Vons and Safeway and AOL.
i'm going to go to Trader Joes to get milk. i love the small irregular size and shape of the store and the big cool white jug they put the milk in...and the goofy hawaiian shirts everyone wears and the charming inefficent anti-urban planning of the parking lot. it feels familiar and flawed and of inimitalble human scale. i'm sorry Vons but i'm really mad at you for being Safeway. and for having to find this out on the email like a sleazy affair.

and i just dont' have any more hours in the day to consider corporate take overs when i just wanna make sure there's enough milk for the cereal and the red velvet cake with the toxic food coloring i'm going to feed to my to my two darling bottomless pit calcium absorbing teenagers.

a bad poem (that's how desperate i am)

my house is a mess.
my nose has an itch, i feel like a bitch.
no cheer cheer cheer
kids drank too much beer beer beer.
too many animals.
too many living things.
untrained animals.
semi-trained kids.
out of control. can't believe they call me Mom.
medicated. half medicated. quarter medicated.
mixing things up. experimenting.
mad mad mad
sad sad sad
thinking about why the "s" doesn't take up quite the room that the "m" does in those two previous sentences.
sex sex sex
mex mex mex
like to do one, like to eat the other.
but don't feel like doing much of either when i'm between dosages of
lex lex lex
and today i hate my
ex ex ex

Jewish Metal: Black Shabbas

Jonah is playing the pep rally at his super sized public school as he applies to private school. if he were a politician he'd be attacked for such hypocrisy. and i'd be right on that boat because i think he's fine where he is. he finds his place. he doesn't need More Attention. more nurturing of who he is. he knows who he is more than most people.

and for the first time the band he put together is all Jewish. at private school they'd always be Jewish. or have money. this is "jewish" public school style. it's Jewish with Miles Feinberg the bassist who is Japanese. adorable Miles with his almond eyes, his groovy hats and tight jeans and clever quips told me about his Brooklyn relatives names Fanny and Shmo...then he said to Jonah, wow i wish my mom was as nutty as yours but she's Japanese.

right now i am overwhelmed by craziness and rage and so-called creativity. and decisions about public vs private school and career vs motherhood, and Hillary vs. Barack. and my house is cluttered and the dog shits in the house.

right now i wish i was Japanese.

President's Day Sale!

the world according to Americans*

*not my artwork, darnit. but wish it was!! it accompanied a very funny article by jstein from the latimes on Obamaphilia.

Election Gothic: Look out Ohio

my latest college admissions and financial aid tips...

...because, like Hillary, I've got REAL experience.
so now i say: forget the expensive college counselor....all you need is a good lawyer!!

From Associated Press
February 04, 2008 10:21 AM EST

TINLEY PARK, Ill. - A woman suspected of stealing other people's identities and duping some of the country's top universities into admitting her and giving her student loans has been arrested in a Chicago suburb, federal investigators say.

Esther Elizabeth Reed, 29, was arrested on a federal warrant Saturday in Tinley Park, said Malcolm Wiley, spokesman for the Secret Service.

Reed, who had been one of the Secret Service's most wanted fugitives, was indicted in September by a federal grand jury in Greenville, S.C., on charges of mail fraud, wire fraud, false identification documents and aggravated identity theft.

Reed used sophisticated scams to steal identities she used to gain entrance to California State University at Fullerton, Harvard and Columbia University, where she studied criminology and psychology, investigators said.

Reed also used the stolen identities to obtain more than $100,000 in student loans, according to the Secret Service.

She attended Columbia for two years as a graduate student under the name Brooke Henson before investigators discovered her identity was false, the Secret Service said. The real Henson, of Travelers Rest, S.C., has been missing since 1999., but investigators have said they do not believe Reed had anything to do with Henson's disappearance.

Wiley did not know when Reed would next appear in court.