divorce is the new marriage

or...how to start flirting with your ex with no particular goal in mind other than to keep those checks coming since you have a reputation to live up to.
first, of all...just get thru the first awful two years of divorce. the haggling over the millions, the brainwashing and therapy of the kids and the general spewing of hatred and resentment from both families--mostly his with the frequent exception of your father aka Zaida who hated everyone even before the divorce.
THEN....when you're feeling like your old self again, take a trip to, say..New Orleans to see for yourself what FEMA hasn't done and to turn your kids onto mixed drinks and warm beignets. you've always loved disasters and New Orleans is a particularly charming one. just like your family.
now...have your adorable teenage son who's obsessed with Megadeth borrow your laptop on the way to New Orleans as he flies separately from you and his sister because Zaida (who's big idea it was to take a Family trip for neice's graduation from Tulane) was ultimately too cheap to buy him a ticket on your flight. interestingly he offered to buy your ex a ticket but not your son. we'll analyze that in another entry as we continue to forge the world of Mixed Motivations and explore the psycho/fashion chasm between how things Look and how things really Are. for now, figure it's safe to say that when your own dad will weirdly offer to fly your ex husband to a family gathering 3 years after he moved out... but not your kid...it's cuz he wants it to LOOK a particular way. or zaida's just pulling more of the Jewish mafia stuff...trying to muscle the stupid divorced couple back together thru a "family vacation". BIG MISTAKE. besides, that's precisely where the marriage broke up - on a Princess Cruise. family vacations are toxic for the strongest of couples.

just ignore the Jewish Don and grow up and fork out the dough to buy your own son a ticket to the neice's graduation. then -- a la Sophie's Choice, you fly with his sister but not him--but you offer up your laptop as consolation so he can watch old episodes of the OC and not do his homework. when your laptop is returned to you, you see a jpeg on the desktop called Dave.jpeg. it's a drawing of Dave Mustaine from Megadeth. you hate megadeth but this is the cutest picture you've ever seen.

THEN...about a week later, when your ex comes to you for Letterhead and asks you which font he should use and you note..he's asking so much more sweetly than he did 3 years ago when he asked for the same thing with an entitled snarl and he didn't listen to you anyway and hated everything you showed him....you realize, at this moment...
you have him over a barrel. sure, you need the child support, but he needs a font -- and he's clueless and he finally accepts that. so you take this moment to remind him what an asshole he was last time he asked you for Graphic Design help. and guess what happens THEN??? he laughs!! this is truly a developmental surge. this could not have happened 3 years ago. maybe his 12 step program has kicked in (you keep asking him when he's gonna get to the part where he APOLOGIZES to everyone instead of blaming them? and he keeps saying he's not up to that number yet)
maybe he's just happier and more generous of spirit because he doesn't live with you or anybody anymore. could be.
we'll come back to that later. doesn't matter, just keep going with the positive moment.
so THEN...drop the cool typeface INTO the cute illustration done by the adorable Megadeth fan you both call "Son" and his sister calls Fucktard.
THEN...send it to your ex on the email in a Timely Manner (that was always something that was important to him that you used to regularly and passive-agressively blow). here it is, censored to preserve the privacy of your ex husband's VERY FAMOUS family name. just like that big black box that kept covering Borat's dick in the wrestling scene.
THEN....watch the fireworks begin.

you write him:

"hey i figured i'd kill two birds with one jpeg -- show you jonah's funny drawing he did on the plane AND show you the type face i think you should use."

he writes back: Yes to the type face. Thank you.
(this is the beginning of heavy flirting for him--please note: it doesn't seem like much but there is no blaming and he likes what you sent him. this is incredible.)

On May 26, 2007, at 1:31 PM, Nancy writes:

you're welcome.
and listen, for no extra charge i can add the illustration of dave mustaine.
i know the artist personally. i think he'll do it for you.
for fathers day.
OR you can pay it off with interest, to be deducted when i buy you out of the house.
OR you can SAY you'll pay me and not..and i'll put you in Arrears and you'll owe ME money when you fucking try to make me sell this house in 2010. xooxoxo

then HE writes back:
2010: A Nancy Odyssey

this is SERIOUS joking on your ex's part. he sees you. he's not mad at you. he's actually MAKING a joke about your boundarylessness!! the very thing that drove him out of the house is now CUTE again!!!!

ok, now that i paste it in and see it in black and white, granted, it's not much. i was doing most of the flirting. nothing new there, my therapist says i can work with very little. i can take a small little pixel and blow it up the size of a drive-in movie screen. part of the psychopathology and downside of being a Glass Half Full Personality. but the way i see it, it starts out as just a bit of Email Levity. but by the end of the thread..i dare say it's showing signs of full blown flirting and perhaps a reunion marriage at the 25 year mark. just do the math. if you figure you split at 18years, then you add a 7 year itch in reverse (that is, 7 years of divorce) then you RE-marry at 25 years just when your rights to his residuals were gonna dry up anyway. you figure, at that point, you have more age spots than g-spots, and it's probably time to just pack it in and watch tv with someone, so it might as well be with the father of your children!!