whore moan replacement therapy

this is when you like someone again after you thought you wouldn't--after you finally got over feeling so bad over how many times you did that and it didn't work out. and the nasty somnambulant sex drive wakes you up moaning like your beautiful bitchy teen titty daughter does every summer day at 1:30 in the afternoon, calling you upstairs from her cell phone in her squishy bed, asking what's for breakfast when it's already past lunch. it's when the whore/madonna ratio spills over like your bubble bath, and you stop acting like such a nice neutered mom and instead you moan all grown like the slut you really are.

this is also called dating in your 50s.

it's an alternative to Hormone Replacement Therapy which is even more common at your age and though you're not there yet, it's a frequent topic of conversation among your Peer(less) group. that kind of hormone replacement requires a prescription and a little insertable *joy ring* so i hear...which your Cobra insurance doesn't cover right now anyway.

you figure Whore Moan Replacement therapy is cheaper--you can do it on your own in the bath or after a $5.50 bottle of wine from trader joes with your *date*---and it's less paperwork, the latter of which you were never very good at anyway.

don't shop for me argentina

bubbie traveled to south america with zaida. her favorite part of the trip was The Hilton.
she wanted to bring home souvenirs to the grandkids but zaida wouldn't let her. no matter that he spent $10,000 taking her there, he wasn't going to have her spend anything extra on stupid trinkets for the kids. but bubbie, like any exquisitely trained undercover agent/crack smuggler understands the arbitrariness and urgency of it all and how to bring in goods if not over the Latin border, then over the border of Orange County.
so when she returned from south america souvenir-less, she went to TJ Max at the mall down the road and found gifts for nancy and the kids that "could" be from Santiago and Rio--in a Nordstroms bag she brought over a rustic brown tee-shirt for jonah that looked very Brazilian except for the fact that it said Los Angeles on it. and for nancy and maddy she bought some silver plated machine/hand-hammered dangles and faux turquoise drops that reflected excellent south american staging on Bubbie's part.

here, nancy models the heartfelt fake souvenirs.

divorce is the new marriage

or...how to start flirting with your ex with no particular goal in mind other than to keep those checks coming since you have a reputation to live up to.
first, of all...just get thru the first awful two years of divorce. the haggling over the millions, the brainwashing and therapy of the kids and the general spewing of hatred and resentment from both families--mostly his with the frequent exception of your father aka Zaida who hated everyone even before the divorce.
THEN....when you're feeling like your old self again, take a trip to, say..New Orleans to see for yourself what FEMA hasn't done and to turn your kids onto mixed drinks and warm beignets. you've always loved disasters and New Orleans is a particularly charming one. just like your family.
now...have your adorable teenage son who's obsessed with Megadeth borrow your laptop on the way to New Orleans as he flies separately from you and his sister because Zaida (who's big idea it was to take a Family trip for neice's graduation from Tulane) was ultimately too cheap to buy him a ticket on your flight. interestingly he offered to buy your ex a ticket but not your son. we'll analyze that in another entry as we continue to forge the world of Mixed Motivations and explore the psycho/fashion chasm between how things Look and how things really Are. for now, figure it's safe to say that when your own dad will weirdly offer to fly your ex husband to a family gathering 3 years after he moved out... but not your kid...it's cuz he wants it to LOOK a particular way. or zaida's just pulling more of the Jewish mafia stuff...trying to muscle the stupid divorced couple back together thru a "family vacation". BIG MISTAKE. besides, that's precisely where the marriage broke up - on a Princess Cruise. family vacations are toxic for the strongest of couples.

just ignore the Jewish Don and grow up and fork out the dough to buy your own son a ticket to the neice's graduation. then -- a la Sophie's Choice, you fly with his sister but not him--but you offer up your laptop as consolation so he can watch old episodes of the OC and not do his homework. when your laptop is returned to you, you see a jpeg on the desktop called Dave.jpeg. it's a drawing of Dave Mustaine from Megadeth. you hate megadeth but this is the cutest picture you've ever seen.

THEN...about a week later, when your ex comes to you for Letterhead and asks you which font he should use and you note..he's asking so much more sweetly than he did 3 years ago when he asked for the same thing with an entitled snarl and he didn't listen to you anyway and hated everything you showed him....you realize, at this moment...
you have him over a barrel. sure, you need the child support, but he needs a font -- and he's clueless and he finally accepts that. so you take this moment to remind him what an asshole he was last time he asked you for Graphic Design help. and guess what happens THEN??? he laughs!! this is truly a developmental surge. this could not have happened 3 years ago. maybe his 12 step program has kicked in (you keep asking him when he's gonna get to the part where he APOLOGIZES to everyone instead of blaming them? and he keeps saying he's not up to that number yet)
maybe he's just happier and more generous of spirit because he doesn't live with you or anybody anymore. could be.
we'll come back to that later. doesn't matter, just keep going with the positive moment.
so THEN...drop the cool typeface INTO the cute illustration done by the adorable Megadeth fan you both call "Son" and his sister calls Fucktard.
THEN...send it to your ex on the email in a Timely Manner (that was always something that was important to him that you used to regularly and passive-agressively blow). here it is, censored to preserve the privacy of your ex husband's VERY FAMOUS family name. just like that big black box that kept covering Borat's dick in the wrestling scene.
THEN....watch the fireworks begin.

you write him:

"hey i figured i'd kill two birds with one jpeg -- show you jonah's funny drawing he did on the plane AND show you the type face i think you should use."

he writes back: Yes to the type face. Thank you.
(this is the beginning of heavy flirting for him--please note: it doesn't seem like much but there is no blaming and he likes what you sent him. this is incredible.)

On May 26, 2007, at 1:31 PM, Nancy writes:

you're welcome.
and listen, for no extra charge i can add the illustration of dave mustaine.
i know the artist personally. i think he'll do it for you.
for fathers day.
OR you can pay it off with interest, to be deducted when i buy you out of the house.
OR you can SAY you'll pay me and not..and i'll put you in Arrears and you'll owe ME money when you fucking try to make me sell this house in 2010. xooxoxo

then HE writes back:
2010: A Nancy Odyssey

this is SERIOUS joking on your ex's part. he sees you. he's not mad at you. he's actually MAKING a joke about your boundarylessness!! the very thing that drove him out of the house is now CUTE again!!!!

ok, now that i paste it in and see it in black and white, granted, it's not much. i was doing most of the flirting. nothing new there, my therapist says i can work with very little. i can take a small little pixel and blow it up the size of a drive-in movie screen. part of the psychopathology and downside of being a Glass Half Full Personality. but the way i see it, it starts out as just a bit of Email Levity. but by the end of the thread..i dare say it's showing signs of full blown flirting and perhaps a reunion marriage at the 25 year mark. just do the math. if you figure you split at 18years, then you add a 7 year itch in reverse (that is, 7 years of divorce) then you RE-marry at 25 years just when your rights to his residuals were gonna dry up anyway. you figure, at that point, you have more age spots than g-spots, and it's probably time to just pack it in and watch tv with someone, so it might as well be with the father of your children!!

Destinos - The Mini Series

Angela is with Jorge who has the hots for Raquel who's hooking up with Arturo as she hangs out with Luis who also has a thing for Raquel. the actresses wear vintage cream lace, leopard rayon, boy's plaid surf shorts and wool tweed bar mitzvah jackets that don't fit any more. the clothes are as mixed up as their love triangles and as sexually confused as the transgender dorm at Wesleyan which none of them, so far, have applied to. but the actresses are focused and efficient--they write the script and pull off the shoot in one day, having to outsource only the graphic design and recruit younger brother to do the editing and music direction in iMovie. it's evident that these can-do actress/producers are far less confused than the mom they hired to do the titles for their Spanish class film. in fact, this particular mom could use these smart women to re-write her Destino right about now.

happy father's day to my ex!

booty shorts

tonight my 17yo svelt daughter is going to dinner with a "friend". as she kissed me and her brother goodbye i noticed i couldn't see her wearing anything under her shirt.
she slightly lifted the on-sale Banana Republic size 2 Petite baby doll cotton embroidered cream colored camisole to show me she was wearing Levi cut-offs underneath that had been cut *above* the pockets. i told her they looked a little short. maybe she should consider the pedal pusher style that's still tight and sexy but hits more around the knee rather than the crotch. she walked away as in Like I Care What You Say. and then her 15yo brother informed me that this a "style" and it's called Booty Shorts. i felt so relieved and informed.

i love paris in the springtime redux

clearly this outfit is not going to work this season.

on wearing Blue

took this pic yesterday with my camera phone when having lunch with darling jungian deb.
this little guy on the right wears Blue real well!!
clearly makes his owner very happy. nancy's kids always get a little embarrassed/nervous when she asks if she can snap a stranger's picture.
nancy points out to Maddy and Jonah -- why else would a geezer like this dress his dog in a sharp little royal blue tee if he didn't want someone to enjoy it with him?
granted the dog looks a bit serious here, like he's thinking: oh fuck, not again. and what the hell am i doing in this bullshit tee shirt anyway? it's 80 degrees outside.
but the owner is mighty happy.
and we all know, after torturing thru so many relationships that you're way ahead of the game if even one person in a relationship is happy. and you're even farther ahead if you can pull off Royal Blue.

Feeling blue and blonde

if anyone were to "blacklight" this painting they'd find another one underneath. she is wearing hairpins and nothing else.

sleeping in sparkles

if you're having trouble falling asleep after you weaned yourself off the subclinical dose of Lexapro, try sequins and washed cotton. this is what nancy did thanks to the lovely hand me down Sparkle Shrug she recieved in a Neiman Marcus trashbag from leslie this weekend. many things in the bag are intended for Maddy but Nancy frequently highjacks some of the best stuff first.
the tee shirt material is very light weight, you hardly know you're wearing it and it happily draws lots of attention to your breasts. wear it over a muted brown tee and it appears even more tossed on, like it's not a big deal that you're wearing sparkles on your tits. the palette is earthy, muted. it's a mixing of metaphors. it's Vegas with Earthtones. you can pull this off.
then..fall asleep in it, in your daughters hot pink casbah bedroom as she reads the latest entry from Fiske's Guide to Colleges 2007. in fact, read about Tulane and wicked New Orleans since you both just got back from the sparkly jazzy city. it'll feel like a sweet bed time story as you drift off hearing about survival post-Katrina, the lure of the South, and the lovely oak trees surrounding the quad..........
have a good night's sleep in your sparkle shirt and black cords from the Gap. and don't feel bad that you highjacked the little shrug from maddy--she didn't want it anyway as she currently doesn't need anything to attract more attention to her breasts. they're doing just fine without added sparkles.
after a good night's sleep in maddy's bed with her and her delicious curvy pillow of a body, wake up, walk down the hallway and say good morning to your son. when he looks at you and says nothing other than: Nice Hair...go to your iMac, launch Photobooth and see why he said that. don't move a hair, don't get vain and self conscious, just immediately shoot a photo.
note that your hair does look pretty funny.
also note that there's a self portrait in the background of this shot--from yet another day when you painted yourself in a sparkly hippy shirt. even before coffee, this feels like a movie within a movie or a potential Dutch painting within a painting or maybe just a funny Frida Kahlo. (not so dark and bloody but hopefully with some of the same humble and anecdotal self examination and artifacts of daily life.)

finally and most importantly, note that your son has been inured to the fact that you regularly sleep in your clothes.
all he notices is your hair's a little goofy.

get really excited about this..jot it down, but don't get too distracted--it's time to make lunches. quickly snap another close up of the sparkles for detail like any good stylist or archeologist would. and get cracking on your day job--
steak sandwich for maddy, chinese chicken salad for jonah. when jonah whines and wants the sandwich too....just tell him you'll make him one that afternoon and he'll stop complaining and forget to ask you for it later. this works with the youngest child who has inherited your ADD and sense of adaptability. but if he's environmentally (nature vs nurture) tipped to perpetual carniverous hunger like his sister and injustice collecting like your ex, you'll have to come up with another plan or make sure you have enough leftover flank steak in the fridge to eek out one more sandwich after school.

THEN.... when the kids are happily at school in Digital Time (at 9:43 jonah notes, just 8 minutes before the second bell which rings at 9:51) return to your iPhoto post and your blog and Give Advice. let everyone know that the black cords from the Gap weren't as comfy as the pj bottoms from Old Navy. you're indeed discovering 25 years after you studied Marx and the arbitrariness/manipulation of adverstising that it's not a Capitalist plot to market pajamas and bathrobes specifically for night wear. they ARE in fact more comfortable to sleep in than soft cozy cordoroys or light weight denim or feather weight tees with sparkles. but you still stand by your discovery that Ensure, which is 300 calories of vitamin foritified chocolate milk for old people who forget to eat IS the identical product as Slimfast which is 300 calories of vitamin fortified chocolate milk for people who are too fat and should forget to eat.

SO, though you have to operate a little outside your literal comfort zone to fall asleep in your clothes and actually wear them again the next day, it is good for the environment much like re-using a box from UPS. less washing of clothes. more usages per unit.

best of all, you're a huge advocate for falling asleep in your daywear because it means you're dressed when it's time to take the kids to school. a real time saver considering your kids operate in digital time.

ok back to work. thank god for Photobooth-- the electron microscope of modern behavior. better and more accurate than a mirror because it snaps things before you have time to edit and manipulate. like having a giant candid camera in your living room, it records evidence of socio-fashion moments in their raw disinhibited state, prior to injesting that half tab of 10mg sub-clinical Lexapro which is supposed to "help" with the impulse control.
ok. really gotta go.
must draw some wine labels and make some money before my child support runs out.

missed car payment and deadlines

oops. forgot to look.

Organized Daughter suggested to mom that she get a Whiteboard. organization of ANYTHING makes maddy feel less anxious. it's not about content--just the act of Organizing calms her and contains her hostility and junior year resentment for maybe an hour or two before she starts blaming younger brother and mom for NOT being as organized as she is. or dad is. on top of everything else, she's pissed that nancy and jonah are having just a little too much fun. all the time. nancy whollups this remark with the most psychologically incorrect thing she could come up with: she points out to Organized Anxious Blaming Daughter that she gets these negative genes from....dad. nancy feels only a little bit guilty saying this because (truth be told, and nancy says this too) someone should've knocked this negative shit out of dad when he was HER age and maybe nancy and ex would still be married. (a two-fer of Psychological Incorrectness)
these wolf's comments in sheeps clothes indeed work to squelch and beat down what nancy considers a trait she'd like to see become extinct in this next generation. in this way, nancy feels she's actually doing something really Good even though it comes off really Bad.
and nancy's learning too. being organizationally challenged, nancy appreciates the suggestion of getting a whiteboard. in fact, maddy and nancy joyfully go to Office Max and pick one out together. they miraculously leave Office Max having spent 27.50, the smallest amount they've ever spent there! they attribute this to not bringing Jonah along, who would've wrangled into the deal a few thousand more magic markers, some game boy attachments and binders He'll Never Use.

for the first few days Nancy LOVES the whiteboard. uses it. thrives with it.
problem is, school's still on and Maddy's not here during the day to make sure nancy looks at it. maybe nancy will be better with the whiteboard when maddy's on vacation.

today nancy is wearing bell bottomed pale green Abercrombie cords (leslie has assured nancy that she will let her know when she's not allowed to wear Abercrombie anymore) with a smooth cotton Velvet tee in a complimentary muted shade of eggplant. she accessorizes the 70s look with some hippie earrings of moonstone and tooled silver that she bought unceremoniously just two days ago before her first-ever Internet Date (she was Bachelorette #2 for her date who had slightly more experience doing this than she). nancy wears a brand new Black Muji watch in an effort to bring back the green one that Otto ate. it only sort of works, the green one was better. she wears black flip flops under the big wide bells because she might go get a pedicure later -- but only if she remembers to look at her Whiteboard today and get her work done.

last (married) guy i dated

it didn't really work out. but my doctor says, as an artist, i'm allowed to get my feelings out through my art -- to draw and photoshop anything i want as long as it doesn't make me look bad. in other words, i can make other people look bad as long as i don't send it around and make someone mad at me. those are the Impulse Control guidelines. more difficult to maintain than you'd think.
i can even turn people into weasels if necessary---particularly if their last name suggests that. ie: this is bruce weasel.
get the joke? i can't take credit for that. Melissa's my wordsmith. she called it before i did. thinking you're falling in love is a psychotic state apparently and it's hard to see a weasel during that stage. especially if you're signing divorce papers and turning 50 all on the same day. dr. latz said this one set up like a Greek Tragedy. that makes me feel like it wasn't all my fault. that makes me feel supported.
but FYI, i don't use my photoshop skills just for hostility.
i'm also available to trim hips and take out dark circles under eyes if i like you. if i'm in love with you, i'll even create clever flattering flirty drawings too.
it's probably a not a bad idea to stay on my good side.