Express Mail

the doorbell just rang as i was telling one loving but hysterical jewish grandma (adam's mother) that she need not put Beverly Hills on orange alert over Maddy's broken nose. but i never had the chance to finish that conversation because the doorbell rang with a message from another concerned jewish grandma. there at the door was a sweet smiling Express Mail courier needing a signature which at first i assumed was for jonah who often orders up slash metal tee shirts on eBay. but it wasn't that. it was addressed to me. from bubbie. but it had nothing to do with maddy's nose. it was an apology for ratting me out last week to my dad that i had thrown away the subscription he gave me to Commentary. mom sent me an apology in the regular mail last week but i ignored it, i was so mad at her. i'm not sure, but i think i'm allowed to read what i want in my house. i didn't know that at 51 i had to check with my parents before i recycle. i think the act of doing this haunted and taunted her. she probably wants to throw out her copies too. but she's such a trouble maker pot stirrer double agent. i decided to ignore her snail mail apology last week and pretend i lived in NY or the valley. that i was out of town and not on the front lines, always ready willing and able to receive my parents chaos. i told my father they don't appreciate me enough and that i don't have time to read things i want much less make time to read Neo-Con propaganda. so i took my own draconian measures...i know what matters most to jewish grandparents. i cold heartedly withdrew their privileges to visit me for a week. yes..i withheld my own body and those of the grandchildren. desperate times call for desperate measures.

it obviously worked. because today, being thursday and her "normal" day to descend upon my house with corned beef and emotional blackmail...she clearly felt the need to take draconian measures herself. to her credit and her oversized heart....she felt the need to make right what she had wronged. my darling poor little scruffy double agent mother aka Bubbie broke thru the barracades of my recent attempt to 12 step her out for a week. the doorbell rang and it was an Express Mail package from Polly Plotkin. Bubbie certainly puts new spin on the term "express" mail.

and i'm happy to report she arrived a couple hours later on my doorstep with the most heartbreaking little pout on her face, requesting immunity and bearing two corned beef sandwiches WITH potato salad. she's cleared her name, earned back her privileges.

call me an enabler, but i say Co-Dependent No More has got nothing on the old testament and Juniors Deli.