Involuntary Rhinoplasty: yo baby, dek da halz

since it's every jewish girl's rite of passage to at least *consider* a nose job whether she needs it or not, we are pleased to report yet another benefit of sending kids to public school:  no elitist plastic surgeons to pay for and no waiting a year to get in to see them...just send your darling down the halls of Santa Monica High School carrying her bronze Marc Jacobs handbag repurposed as a book bag with a copy of the latest translation of Crime and Punishment....have her glance down to catch a text message at precisely the wrong moment insuring that she will obliviously walk straight into the scuffle of two 10th grade lunkheads pushing and shoving each other between 2nd and 3rd periods...and voila! before you can check your blackberry, your girl will have a clean smash to the face - and the cheapest nose job this side of Beverly Hills.  once again, all you friends and fellow parents out there who have been foolishly spending your hard earned or trust fund dollars on private school, eat your heart out. all we have to do now is file a police report and we'll have all expenses paid for our darling daughter's nose job. who cares that she didn't need one, it's free!  and she gets to be a victim too.  this is indeed a full bodied Jewish experience.  and think of it, we didn't pay for anesthesia either (no pain, no gain!) we just let her get decked in the halls of her overcrowded, unsupervised school on the same day she had to upload five college applications.
who says maddy's folks aren't looking after her properly in a sound, mature, financially responsible manner?  the way we're doing the math, with all the money we'll save suing the public school with her dad's free attorney from her celebrity grandpa's business office....we'll have that much more cash to steal from her zero coupon bond to buy our girl another Marc Jacobs book bag for college! and maybe some botox for me...you know, just to get rid of the sad worried frown lines i incurred when her face got smashed. now that's what i call Early Action.