i want to be more like the colonel's daughter

A middle-aged man stopped me in the store yesterday, pointed to the fresh pineapples in my cart and asked me if I was going to prepare them myself. He had a small, "cored" pineapple in his cart and noticed that it cost more than the two large pineapples in mine. I described how to prepare the pineapple and chose the rest of my produce. His question made me grateful that I had grown up in a home where we were expected to make our Christmas presents, where we ate over 95% of our meals at home, and where all of my siblings and I started paying for our own clothes as young teens. In grad school, my late husband and I made our own lunches and put the fifteen dollars a week savings into IRA's. I've never made a lot of money but I've clipped a lot of coupons. I own a home without a mortgage, drive a new car that's paid for, and I still clip coupons and prepare my own food. My basic rules of finance are that "all banks are evil" and "cell phone companies are worse." I work with my students on "avoiding the twenty-five cent nickel." Every day, I thank my parents for not giving me everything I asked for and for teaching me how to take care of myself so that I would be able to have enough to help others.

— the Colonel's daughter, Dunmore, PA

Breaking News

Sarah the Socialist

Happy Halloween

sarah palin jumps on the Victory train just hours before election day!


Sarah Palin jumps on the Victory Train!!

Hockey Dogs For President

where IS the self described Pitbull with Lipstick?
and why isn't she available for an uscripted interview?
is Steve Schmidt too busy house training her before she's allowed to Meet The Press?

Cuntry First: Election Gothic revisited

just a quick layout....

there are very few women to whom i'd assign this ugly epithet.
but Barracuda Barbie has broken that glass ceiling for me. and btw, the word Epithet is defined as:
3. a word, phrase, or expression used invectively as a term of abuse or contempt, to express hostility, etc. and yes, i admit, i feel hostile. that's exactly the word. and where does hostility come from? FEAR. i'm truly fearful about Sarah Palin and John McCain. i fear stupidity. i fear lack of substance. i fear lies and misrepresentation.
i fear the Republican party who desperately desires to cosmetically try to turn this election into American Idol. and mostly i fear the disillusionment i feel when i hear people i know say things like: Well it was a good speech.

huh????? is this a Speech competition? is this Cottillion???

visual disclaimer: this is obviously just a quick photoshop layout...pretty shoddy. i need to see if i can even tolerate painting this...and to give credit where credit is due, it was conceived while speaking to one of my highest spiritual advisors Ms. Malicious Benson, one of my team mates in life and blogging who suggested i "update" my previous Election Gothic piece rather than just wallow in depression over this situation.

coumadin chic

under the category of "If you've got a lemon, make lemonade" here are my well-trained children modeling the dayglo green bandage fashion option when having blood drawn. jonah, of course, didn't have anything drawn (except for the usual fantastical notion in his unpredictable head). but, at 16yo, he still had his big sister ask the nurse if he could have a fake one to match hers and look cool. he's considering having the entire personel of Brutal Force wear these at performances.

have Saks first

last night i was up till 3:30am "cleaning." that is....going through stacks of papers and bills and yo-yos and used ear plugs and i stumbled upon two expired Credits. one to Saks, one to Nordstroms. at midnight (the wonders of email) i wrote both establishments to see if i can still use my expired credits much like the time i served expired whipped cream and cookies to jonah and his friend. (see any blog entry from last year).

WELL, i was up soooo late last night i thought nothing would get me going this a.m. I was awakened early by a friend on his way to drug testing (that didn't do it). i was then awakened by my sister in law checking in about my mother's 80th tea party tomorrow and about our 18yos double date last night....that didn't bump me into any particular kind of functional consciousness....teenage dates and geriatric tea parties? ho hum. and lastly, one of any number of doctors offices called to give me platelet and/or coumadin results for the day. that almost woke me up - but not quite.

but then...i walked downstairs to SEE the fruits of my midnight labor, the perfectly clean, long dining room table with only an Alex Katz book on it and a vase of dried flowers. the table top is so clean and devoid of Citibank statements and a month of my daugter's blood levels that you can actually see the rings left from the plastic red cups of cheap generic brew when Jonah used the beautiful spanish colonial dark wood table to play beer pong with his friends one night last month.

and i walked over to my little office, adjacent to that room and on the email were two notes back from Customer Care. one from Nordstroms, one from Saks. they wrote me back telling me that they'd be in touch with me to resolve or at least help out with whatever issue i had. that's more than certain family members would do!!! i was delighted. i felt seen and heard. and the satisfaction of Getting to the Bottom of things. i knew exactly where my expired card and certificate were because i'm temporarily SO organized. i called the numbers they left me. Customer Caring People answered. Saks Lady said she'd move the date on the $21 credit to whatever i needed her to do. And Nordstroms Caring Person said "oh don't worry about the expiration date at all! - it's ALWAYS still good."

i suddenly felt adrenline in my body. an alertness. an acuity that i didn't think possible. i think, as i get older, if i have to ever stop drinking coffee to minimize bone loss, i can instead accrue SaksFirst Points and Nordstroms Notes to wake me up. and at the rate that coffee and gasoline have gone up in price lately, i think i'll be ahead of the game.

Joey

brutal force fan base

metal mom metal sisters

Brutal Force: Makes a Mother Proud

this is my son's metal band, Brutal Force. they have a website on MySpace. aren't they adorable? that's MY guy in the front flipping the bird. do you think he might be able to go to Bard and be Ava's roommate after her Gap year at Paris Vogue's runway show in Darfur?

networking parents: the Bard chapter has begun

hi Ava--

It's Thorina. My friend Nancy (in email above) has a daughter attending Bard next fall. I thought perhaps it would be fun for you and her to connect before you go off to school!

all the best,
Thorina

hey thorina,

great idea.

ava's actually doing a gap year first. probably spending some time in cuba, a big fashion event in london in the fall, and then who knows. she'd like to teach in india or maybe africa, work at paris vogue, etc. we'll see what really happens. either way, she has to make some serious money first.

where did nancy daughter go to school? lycee?

b i l l

dear Bill,
Maddy went to public school in Santa Monica and is currently on bed rest from a serious illness with her half jewish/half el savadoran boyfriend who's kindly offered to be on bed rest with her and aid her recovery. she could probably ask for a Gap Year too but she doesn't like their jeans. she's thinking of getting a job at Cheviot Camp (at Pico and Motor) now that she can't go to Greece and drink Uzo with her best girlfriends. she loves fashion and is lucky enough to regularly inherit bags of hand me down Graham & Spencer from her dear mommy friend Leslie who works for the line but she only wears panties from Ross Dress For Less because after she wears them, Otto the dog usually eats them and it's too expensive to buy nice boy shorts knowing they'll have such a short shelf life. we like to think it's a form of recycling anyway. she gets a week or two out of the pantie, Otto gets an all natural fiber meal. and it all goes back into the earth where it began. no harm no foul. her only connection to Cuba was seeing it off the balcony off the Princess Cruise ship (or was it the Disney Line?) as her parents marriage imploded. and her knowledge of India is mostly limited to tech help for her MacBook and a great love of Chicken Tikka Mahkahni. she does however make Serious Money babysitting for the toddlers of the anesthesiologist and ER doc across the street. they pay her handsomely and they round up. she also gets dividends from bonds from her dad's side of the family who's really rich. she's got more money than her mom....who fritters away time blogging and highlighting the Fact is Funnier (and scarier) than Fiction follies of the wacked out parents who write emails like the one above with a perfectly straight face.
look forward to meeting you bill....though i don't think our girls have much in common. but, just for laughs, please keep us posted. we're dying to know which third world continent will be lucky enough to receive your daughter and we're even more excited to know which couture designer gets nabbed to dress her for the community service after "working" for Paris Vogue.

oh - and i guess you figured out. no, maddy didn't go to Lycee. she doesn't speak a word of french. a little yiddish and spanish and ghetto, but no french. sorry.
nancy

Clarification: Obama apologizes for calling woman "Yo Bitch"

That must be what the hoopla is about. I can't imagine it's for calling someone Sweetie. Because if that's the case, then I'm in BIG TROUBLE along with a thousand moms I know. Shit, we say that ALL the time. "Sweetie, do your homework" "Sweetie..I'll be right there"...." Sweetie I can't buy you that right now...and Sweetie...brush your teeth" Sweetie works wonders, I've found. I specifically use it when I want to let someone down gently...because i CARE.

There must be a mistake in this blurb i pulled from the latest "news" report because someone seems to be mad at him for calling her Sweetie. well, if we're gonna scold Barack for that, let's jump back on him for making speeches that are just a bunch of intelligent and inspiring WORDS. and let's get on him for being too Hopeful. darn him. what a drag. and while we're at it, let's let him have it not having enough Experience but nevertheless having the judgement to vote against a stupid awful war. shame on Barack. what has this world come to?
gosh he should've said: i'll get back to you fuckhead, as soon as i'm done touring this bankrupt, obsolete US car company that failed to wake up and smell the gasoline.

so here it is, fresh off the press:

According to an account on the Web site of WXYX TV in Detroit, Obama was touring a Chrysler plant when he tried to brush off a question from WXYZ reporter Peggy Agar about help for autoworkers. "Hold on one second, sweetie," Obama replied, explaining he would answer in a later media availability.

Later, in a voicemail left on Agar's cell phone, Obama apologized for not answering her question.

"Second apology," he said, "is for using the word 'sweetie.' That's a bad habit of mine. I do it sometimes with all kinds of people. I mean no disrespect and so I am duly chastened on that front."

And so am I. So glad political correctness has come full circle, chasing its tail.

Jungle Fever: Edwards Endorses Obama 48 minutes ago!

Jungle Fever! Yep, that's what my picture-drawing-during-mathclass-son says i have, and i thought i was masking that pretty well with all the high-road politics!! And that's why he got me this blow up of Barack for Mothers Day. or maybe just to shut me up and get me to stop picking fights with anyone who disagrees with me - which is very non-Obama of me, but yet again what i admire so much about him. i learn from such steadiness. which is good advice for any mother....so back to mothers day: my son greets me in the morning with a FABULOUS, unwrapped (as in the celaphane is even off!) CD of Jackson Brown's latest acoustic thing....exactly what i wanted. he tells me he ripped off the plastic so i wouldn't see the price tag from Best Buy. then he tells me to go downstairs because someono is there trying to make me coffee but he's not very good at it. i stumble down to the kitchen to greet a 6 foot tall smiling cardboard Obama! now i can put him at the lunch counter and we can eat panini and discuss Change in Washington and a Moral Clarity and a better future for the kids and no one interrupts me and he's cute and smiling and smart and agrees with my politics!
and he's coming in handy right now as i'm on my cell, calling and emailing as many people as possible to tell them about the Edwards endorsement. i like being the first to tell good and bad news.
i like the attention even at the risk of killing the messenger. so i'm hoping some of you have the blog on "alert" and i'll get CREDIT for telling you first.

i guess that's it. it's a credit thing. and i understand, after applying for a car loan recently, i only have a B or B+ credit rating so that's why i'm working extra hard for my A.

i think i do get an A for something, or double-E's for effort as they used to grade us back in the day - because i picked our next president a year and a half ago, so there. now, even John Edwards agrees! and he's extremely cute too.

mom, look what i drew in math class

disclaimer, dog breath and obama

here's the daily Orbit: the disclaimer is that TooLazyForTrafficSchool.com does not, in fact, allow you to launch multiple windows of tests simultaneously as i hoped (and experimented with). they turned out to be more clever than i thought. you actually have to read through each test/category which was quite worthwhile i might add. so my high jinks were foiled and i'm grateful for it. i learned a lot about blood alcohol percentages and much common sense advice (always good to be reminded) about driving defensively and yielding to idiots on the road even if you have the right of way. it's much the same advice i got going through my divorce and it has served me well. and it's much the same stance Obama is smartly taking on the gas tax ploy this week. short fixes are short fixes and distract from deeper more positive and substantive trends..but we'll get to that later.

regarding dog breath, Otto ate this entire package of chewing gum. i'm sure he didn't spend much time chewing it but i will be giving him a little smooch in a few minutes to see if it had any positive effect on his breath. or perhaps i can check the backyard later to see if it manifested out the other end. yuk yuk. probably there will be no aromatic consequences, just more paper and plastic to recycle.

regarding the tough week Obama had...i personally feel heartened. here's what i think is happening. when you're gonna disappoint someone (Hillary)...ie: she's NOT going to get the nomination, it's clear...then you want them to end on a high note,
where they can save face and graciously step down. if Hillary does a little better in Tuesday's primaries but not well enough to win both or certainly win the insurmountable delegate vote, then at least she looks like the feisty fighter she is, like she gave it her best shot, and Obama the Gentleman (and he really is) gets to look like Oh well, I won....but thanks for the good fight. now let's let the votes and the math decide the decision.

in other words, i know there have been times when it's been thought: Hey Obama, tell Rev Wright to put a sock in it and show Hillary who's the man. but in fact - and this is what i truly admire about the guy - he's taken the high road. Rev Wright has a right to say whatever he wants (and frankly his talk to the NAACP was absolutely wonderful.....I didn't see the Bill Moyer interview and I don't want to....the spin on this thing is like a witch hunt, boys are dying in Iraq as we distract ourselves with this bullshit. and the war is EXPENSIVE to boot.).....

anyway...i'm saying i learn from the way Obama has carried himself through his recent stupid PR troubles. he's got dignity and smarts. he keeps his eye on the prize, the prize being a more enlighted direction for this country. and i'd say he's even deliberately demonstrating respect for Hillary Clinton who's super delegates are embarrassingly deserting her and who I predict finally has an out to Step Down because Obama refused to get too too nasty with her. Maybe i'll be wrong. but that's my Orbit (or elliptical path) of reasoning for the day. beats the dog breath of the Republican party if you ask me.....with all due respect to dog breath which can be very sweet in its context of love and loyalty. and much of this recent nonsense of exploiting Rev Wright has everything to do with context, and understanding it a little better.

Americans who don't understand that need a breath mint or a stick of Orbit.

toolazyfortrafficschool(&anythingelse).com

more time saving miracles for all you busy parents: as pictured here, if you need to leave a message for a friend, simultaneously call their landline and cell from YOUR landline and cell and voila: leave ONE message. yes, this takes four electronic devices which is emblematic of our wasteful society, but it's the start of eliminating wasteful digitalizations of our voices. the best one i ever got btw was when my darling friend told me in detail on my home phone of her vaginitis and which antibiotics were working best and she went on for about ten minutes then sent warm wishes to the kids and said: "well you're not there, so i'll leave you a message on your cell" at which point she left the same medical disertation of her vaginitis there to which i lovingly in turn left HER a message that perhaps vaginitis requires only ONE voicemail if that. no need in the future to leave it on two. she's my college roomate and we can say anything to each other so she said...uh yeah i guess you're right.
one more tip: if you have to do traffic school as i do, here's a web-based trick for that. sign up for toolazyfortrafficschool.com. it's quite informative. i scanned the first chapter in ten minutes and tried do the quiz (because i was too lazy to read everything in detail) and the prompt gave me a cute "speeding ticket" for jamming through the info too quickly. they require a minimum of 30 minutes for each quiz. so last week, i launched the quiz then watched the primary returns from Pennsylvania then came back to take the quiz till i passed which took just a few minutes. today i got even trickier and lazier. i figured out (experimented a la my phone discovery above) with launching several windows of quizzes simultaneously to see if they'd give me a "ticket" for that but they haven't (so far)...so i'm able to study for the last three half hours in one 30 minute period and listen to Dixie Chicks as i post this time saving advice!!
enjoy!!

Mean Teens

Black Dress Black Mood

Today Nancy is wearing and today Nancy Drew herself in a cashmere black sweater dress from the Japanese H&M type store in Soho (can't remember the name but know where it is, just like lots of things in nancy's life). She bought herself the soft-to-her- skin throw-on last spring when she was spending a week sharing a couch with Clive the dog in Brooklyn and going to parties in expensive brownstones in the Heights for people she didn't know but could. she loves the feel of cashmere directly on her skin just like she loves to hug her cat before she gets into the shower. she wears the dress with muted moss green mid-calf boots with orange piping - the closest thing she has the go-go boots which she has been shopping for online for months but can't seem to find (or commit to) the right ones. she longs for the look and the memories of the late 60s when she always wore tights that matched the shirt under her Twiggy jumper. but now, she who was raised Mid-Century has become Mid-Century herself so she works with what she has.
on that same NY trip she attended a retrospective of Alex Katz where the woman taking the tickets wore a white page boy hairdo and dark Jackie O classes and looked (inadvertantly) like one of Alex's paintings. and so, in this dress, some months later, she has done a self portrait/fantasy of alex katz painting Nancy the way he did Ada, celebrating her relatively inexpensive but chic black dress along with her many high class (or at least hifalutin) but bargain basement black moods.

today Nancy Drew her son drawing

a mother's influence

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/14/us/politics/14obama.html?th&emc=th

the Nine Dollar Bill: sketches for Spitz Scrip

the latest in counterfeit currency

Election Gothic Painted

i'm super lazy but finally, the day before the showdown in texas and ohio, i finally painted the image i cobbled together in photoshop two weeks ago. folks are so dazzled by photoshop, perhaps they'll be disappointed in my painting. i woke up worrying it isn't all that good. it's flawed and hard to control. but as i believe in the authenticity and, yes...the "inspiring" and well crafted words of barack obama...so i vote for the personal paintbrush over a few dazzling but emotionally vacant filters in photoshop.

cast your votes on yet another super tues tomorrow. i'd love to get the feedback.

Are You Experienced?

some campaign suggestions for Hillary

According to the NY Times today, Obama sneezed at a rally in Texas and everyone clapped. I'd like to suggest to Hillary's advisors that with all due respect (and i mean this) to her incredible fortitude, intelligence, work-a-day drive and awesome Experience when it comes to transcending the impact of another political rock star's spewed bodily fluids - that when Obama farts in Ohio next week and the crowd starts flashing the slash metal Bullhorn, that's probably her signal to graciously step down and uh, smell the coffee. or something.

Some Kind of Monster

Blazing Saddles (and getting REAL) at the Texas Debate

i have to admit, hillary made a good point last night. it's time to get REAL and no better place than in supersized Texas.
afterall....size DOES matter. and here's the real reason white bitches in Texas are finally sidling (and saddling) up to Obamamania!

Hit the link....Go Barack. use all your gifts baby!! Don't feel guilty!

http://www.ladyofthecake.com/mel/saddles/sounds/gifted.wav

this message is brought to you with Xeroxed credit upfront to Mel Brooks for having the chutzpah to be REAL 25 years ago and to Madeleine Kahn for her brilliant and yet Academy Award deficient portrayal of Lily Von Schtupp. gosh, when will any artist get credit and/or money in Real Time? god knows i'm still waiting.

More Jewish Metal

Preaching to the Converted: Nancy McCoy

unbeknownst to my adorable overtly bullying neo-con (closet obama loving!!) father....when he bought me a subscription to Commentary a few months ago so we could "discuss politics" together (he thought: I'll teach her! she thought: know thy enemy)...the Commentary bozos couldnt' read dad's Doctor Writing and thought my name was Nancy McCoy. and i'm kinda warming up to it though it's still remarkable that even when my name gets botched i can't get away from Star Trek!!....that's Doctor McCoy to you.

$3 - $10 per illustration--Have a fantabulous day!

here's my most recent SALES pitch from India. i think i can't pass this one up.

and they already wrote me back!

On Feb 20, 2008, at 11:09 AM, Sales wrote:

Hi.

We are a registered member of Indian Printers Association (IPA). We are a 7 decade old, 100-people artwork/graphics Company located in India with an marketing office in Rochester, NY. We have received the prestigious Presidential Award and the National awards for the high quality in designing and printing.

Please be advised that we are the No.1 Company in India charging low rates to US & UK customers on Artworks & Advertisements.

Artworks
We accept electronic non-camera ready artwork for Vectorization, Cleaning, Four Color Process Separation, Color Separation, Typesetting, Virtual Spec Sample, Paper Proof, Editing Photographs, Concept art etc and make it camera ready within 16-24 hrs time. In the case of rush jobs the turnaround time will be 6 hrs.

Jobs Undertaken

- Print
- Brochures
- Fliers
- Postcards
- Business Cards
- Logos
- Artwork
- Websites
- Embroidery - Digitizing
- Advertisements
- Magazines

Free Trial for artwork

Send an artwork job through e-mail along with the instructions and we will send a camera-ready job the very next working day for absolutely free of cost.
A maximum of 3 revisions of an artwork is not charged to all our customers.
For Creative/Concept Arts, you can send us your ideas along with clear instructions and a rough sketch of the image.

Advertisements
The charges for designing ads starts from minimum $5 with unlimited revisions.

Details required for Artwork file:

1. Type of jobs.
2. PC or MAC based.
3. Output Format.
4. Clear instructions and Rough sketch for Concept Art.
5. Input materials for ads.
6. No. of colors


Price Range:

$3.00 - $10.00 for a single color artwork redraw or recreation.

Clients: We service 10 of ASI's top 40 suppliers and distributors.

Advantages:

ü Utilize us for dealing with artwork volumes beyond normal production capacity
ü End-of-day artwork jobs can be sent to us and we will send camera-ready artwork the next working day before your production begins
ü Six-day-a-week servicing
ü Servicing during American holidays
ü Ability to handle Seasonal spurts
ü No minimum volume commitment
ü No upfront costs
ü No contracts
ü 24/6 customer service support

Looking forward for a long term business relationship.

Have a fantabulous day!
Alexander
Business Development
Eternity Services Pvt. Ltd.
Email: sales@eternityservices.com | www.eternityservices.com
Tel: No. +001 347-820-9235
Yahoo! – eternityindia | AOL - eternityin | Skype - eternityin
Online from 12.30 pm EST 5.00 pm EST



hi "Alexander"

how much would you charge to make a brochure for my recreational sex business? i'm a "cute" 51 year old divorced American mother who looks younger than i am according to my father and a couple of my "clients". I don't think i'll need to be "vectorized" but i'm glad to know you can do unlimited revisions for five dollars.

and i'm really won over by the fact that you do "seasonal spurts". let's get started!!

funny.....just today i read on the front page of the LA Times today about my 86 year old neighbor Selma Manheim selling her life insurance policy to make cash and give gifts to her grandchildren. and then i got your wonderful offer to vectorize and work holidays. small world!! didn't take much for my razor sharp latent financial mind to connect the dots like a horny hedge fun(d) pro...so now i'd like to see if i can sell my wares and perhaps pay off some debt. my short and long term goal is to support myself and my Prada habit after my kids inherit their millions from their celebrity grandfather...it's unconscionable to rely on your kids when you get old. i'm doing this for THEM.
further, if Obama really becomes president and Pakistan doesn't blow us up...i hope to maximize my chances for experiencing whatever's left of my pre-menopausal sex drive. i'd like to have a little fun while i can, before the hormones go down and the lexapro dosage goes up.

i have jpegs i can send you. but i can't post them here because my kids and their friends read this blog and contrary to neighborhood opinion, i DO have some boundaries. in the meantime....what would you charge to do a tri-fold (ooo!) 8.5x11 Ma(i)ler (yuk yuk) with a hot naked pic of a mid-century babe on the cover and my logo at the top. i'll provide the logo art which i had done for sexual favors a couple years ago when i was still married. it's dreamy. and since i AM a graphic artist...as great as your price is to "convert art" for a mere $3 (you don't even need "camera ready art"...boy they are training you Indians much better over there....always knew you had good engineers, but photoshoppers? America is doomed....anyway, you won't have to monkey with my image because i have good genes and i know how to shoot myself at the right angle. i have all images saved as EPS ...it's ready to go when you are!

4 color please. i like pink and orange.

best, nancy

ps. i might be interested in your "embroidering" option as well. depends what you charge.
but it sound like it hurts and that sound like fun.


Hi Nancy.

Could you please send us the jpegs, so that our team knows that 51 is worth for recreational business.

Regards
Alex


Dear "Alex",
i will absolutely send you a jpeg so you know that 51 is "worth for" recreational business!
once you see my jpegs baby, you'll see that 51 is worth because, for and from recreational business too!!
have a fantabulous day! and give my regards to the Team.
love nancy

home delivery

today, in an effort to pathetically improve upon my remedial time/management skills, i can still hear my jerry lewis licking ex quasi mother in law yelling at me to "delegate! delegate! nancy you've got to delegate more!" and she wasn't talking Election 08, she was giving lessons in domestic oppression circa 1998 and power management plugs as she draped a neo-faux feminist shekina shmata on her head on shabbat...that is, when she wasn't swimming in St Bart or hosting a Moca fundraiser or serving her witches brew of El Savdoran made chicken soup..

so, as i slog thru my ambivalence of this particular super delegate diatribe...maybe she was right??...look what a mess my house is! and as i feel pretty much the same disillusionment watching the democratic party threaten to slug itself out clawing for super delegates this summer) and as i try desparately to maintain the Audacity of Hope and not succumb to my very own Senioritis as my burnt out highschool senior justifiably experiences hers.....in the middle of ALL this.....i innocently write Vons.com today to ask them for my password and to finally give the home delivery thing a shot. you know, to efficiently order a few things online so that i could be doing something More Important with my time - like bond with the kids watching lipstick lesbians have sex on The L word or analyze marriages falling apart on In Treatment or watch rock bands beat adversity as they work thru botched pyrotechnics on Behind the Music with Metallica on VHI....

or better yet, snuggle up on the couch with my two cuties to watch Obama hopefully win Wisonsin today.

but two minutes after i write Vons.com to confirm my "password" i get an email back from Safeway.com.
and that didn't make me feel safe in any way....or time-managed.
AAAKKKK!!! that made me feel even more overwhelmed and confused.
and sad about the state of our union and where to buy Fruit Loops.

i don't like ordering 2 percent milk from Vons.com and hearing back from Safeway. it makes me paranoid.
am i over-reacting?

i think i better just go drive and get the milk myself.
i'll recognize the streets and the logo. and maybe even the brand of milk. and maybe i'll take one of my kids along and i'll recognize them too. i dont' want to know that Vons is owned by Safeway and probably Time/Warner too. and funded by the US Military backed by oil in Saudi Arabia.
and i dont' want to find out about it on the email like a dirty piece of porn your ex is hiding.

i feel so sad that no one is who they say they are anymore. least of all me.
hillary.com is mcCain.net
Edwards idealists are now Obama lynchers.
and supposedly "seasoned" and educated democrats who justifiably but viciously and rightiously complained for the last seven years that Bush used the word "Nucular" are now mad at Barack for speaking too well??!!!!! and because he speaks so well, there's no substance?????

i want to hit somebody.

and ALL THIS because i set out to save time and try to be a better mom and order my Cocoa Puffs online.
now i'm more depressed and immoblized and confused than ever.

go away Vons and Safeway and AOL.
i'm going to go to Trader Joes to get milk. i love the small irregular size and shape of the store and the big cool white jug they put the milk in...and the goofy hawaiian shirts everyone wears and the charming inefficent anti-urban planning of the parking lot. it feels familiar and flawed and of inimitalble human scale. i'm sorry Vons but i'm really mad at you for being Safeway. and for having to find this out on the email like a sleazy affair.

and i just dont' have any more hours in the day to consider corporate take overs when i just wanna make sure there's enough milk for the cereal and the red velvet cake with the toxic food coloring i'm going to feed to my to my two darling bottomless pit calcium absorbing teenagers.

a bad poem (that's how desperate i am)

my house is a mess.
my nose has an itch, i feel like a bitch.
no cheer cheer cheer
kids drank too much beer beer beer.
too many animals.
too many living things.
untrained animals.
semi-trained kids.
out of control. can't believe they call me Mom.
medicated. half medicated. quarter medicated.
mixing things up. experimenting.
mad mad mad
sad sad sad
thinking about why the "s" doesn't take up quite the room that the "m" does in those two previous sentences.
sex sex sex
mex mex mex
like to do one, like to eat the other.
but don't feel like doing much of either when i'm between dosages of
lex lex lex
and today i hate my
ex ex ex

Jewish Metal: Black Shabbas

Jonah is playing the pep rally at his super sized public school as he applies to private school. if he were a politician he'd be attacked for such hypocrisy. and i'd be right on that boat because i think he's fine where he is. he finds his place. he doesn't need More Attention. more nurturing of who he is. he knows who he is more than most people.

and for the first time the band he put together is all Jewish. at private school they'd always be Jewish. or have money. this is "jewish" public school style. it's Jewish with Miles Feinberg the bassist who is Japanese. adorable Miles with his almond eyes, his groovy hats and tight jeans and clever quips told me about his Brooklyn relatives names Fanny and Shmo...then he said to Jonah, wow i wish my mom was as nutty as yours but she's Japanese.

right now i am overwhelmed by craziness and rage and so-called creativity. and decisions about public vs private school and career vs motherhood, and Hillary vs. Barack. and my house is cluttered and the dog shits in the house.

right now i wish i was Japanese.

President's Day Sale!

the world according to Americans*

*not my artwork, darnit. but wish it was!! it accompanied a very funny article by jstein from the latimes on Obamaphilia.

Election Gothic: Look out Ohio

my latest college admissions and financial aid tips...

...because, like Hillary, I've got REAL experience.
so now i say: forget the expensive college counselor....all you need is a good lawyer!!

From Associated Press
February 04, 2008 10:21 AM EST

TINLEY PARK, Ill. - A woman suspected of stealing other people's identities and duping some of the country's top universities into admitting her and giving her student loans has been arrested in a Chicago suburb, federal investigators say.

Esther Elizabeth Reed, 29, was arrested on a federal warrant Saturday in Tinley Park, said Malcolm Wiley, spokesman for the Secret Service.

Reed, who had been one of the Secret Service's most wanted fugitives, was indicted in September by a federal grand jury in Greenville, S.C., on charges of mail fraud, wire fraud, false identification documents and aggravated identity theft.

Reed used sophisticated scams to steal identities she used to gain entrance to California State University at Fullerton, Harvard and Columbia University, where she studied criminology and psychology, investigators said.

Reed also used the stolen identities to obtain more than $100,000 in student loans, according to the Secret Service.

She attended Columbia for two years as a graduate student under the name Brooke Henson before investigators discovered her identity was false, the Secret Service said. The real Henson, of Travelers Rest, S.C., has been missing since 1999., but investigators have said they do not believe Reed had anything to do with Henson's disappearance.

Wiley did not know when Reed would next appear in court.

866-When It (feels like there's no one answering your phonecalls)

Today I don't know what Tushar Biyani is wearing but he wants to go into business with me.
He emailed me saying: "Greetings, I have come across your website and am quite impressed by the work
which has been done by your firm." In the email were some samples of what he can offer my "firm".
I may indeed consider outsourcing to this "small but passionate team" because, as you see, this smart samosa
has come up with some pretty spicy phone campaigns for the law firm R. Sebastian.
Mr. Biyani helped a clearly thriving US law firm land the much coveted phone number 866-When It.
i need to get in with this group and get myself a catchy phone number to drum up business.
maybe i can get 866-Are You (in need of an illustrator?).....or 866-How Can (you possibly function without my drawings?)
I wish i could've nailed 866-When It (feels like the whole world is getting you down and suing you, call R. Sebastion......"
Mine would've been more uplifting like 866-When It (feels like you can't take it anymore,
call nancy and she will draw what you are wearing and maybe make you not feel like suing someone today).

Find beauty where you can in 2008

Finals

8am via Verizon with spilling Mochas

remote control father: are you getting them to school?
in-house mother: they're there (you idiot)
remote control father: did you feed them?
in-house mother: of course not. they have coffee.
remote control father: are they in good shape?
in-house mother: yeah she studied AP statistics with Jamie till midnight then we discussed themes from Crime & Punishment on the way to school. we talked about boundaries and guilt and how you need laws because we all wanna kill somebody.
remote control father: and him? how did he do?
in-house mother: he's in good shape-- he studied for his Dumb Level Algebra final for ten minutes for which he lost the notes later that evening, then he played me a beautiful song he composed in honor of Heath Ledger's untimely death which has made us all really sad - he pointed out a riff in the song that was an homage to the Beatles and i commented on the song's spanish guitar influences as i paid late fees on my Bestbuy Same As Cash account with money i borrowed from a line of credit -- then he finished his Dragon Ball Z anime series and caught up on a VH1 three hour special on child actors and where they are now.

Express Mail

the doorbell just rang as i was telling one loving but hysterical jewish grandma (adam's mother) that she need not put Beverly Hills on orange alert over Maddy's broken nose. but i never had the chance to finish that conversation because the doorbell rang with a message from another concerned jewish grandma. there at the door was a sweet smiling Express Mail courier needing a signature which at first i assumed was for jonah who often orders up slash metal tee shirts on eBay. but it wasn't that. it was addressed to me. from bubbie. but it had nothing to do with maddy's nose. it was an apology for ratting me out last week to my dad that i had thrown away the subscription he gave me to Commentary. mom sent me an apology in the regular mail last week but i ignored it, i was so mad at her. i'm not sure, but i think i'm allowed to read what i want in my house. i didn't know that at 51 i had to check with my parents before i recycle. i think the act of doing this haunted and taunted her. she probably wants to throw out her copies too. but she's such a trouble maker pot stirrer double agent. i decided to ignore her snail mail apology last week and pretend i lived in NY or the valley. that i was out of town and not on the front lines, always ready willing and able to receive my parents chaos. i told my father they don't appreciate me enough and that i don't have time to read things i want much less make time to read Neo-Con propaganda. so i took my own draconian measures...i know what matters most to jewish grandparents. i cold heartedly withdrew their privileges to visit me for a week. yes..i withheld my own body and those of the grandchildren. desperate times call for desperate measures.

it obviously worked. because today, being thursday and her "normal" day to descend upon my house with corned beef and emotional blackmail...she clearly felt the need to take draconian measures herself. to her credit and her oversized heart....she felt the need to make right what she had wronged. my darling poor little scruffy double agent mother aka Bubbie broke thru the barracades of my recent attempt to 12 step her out for a week. the doorbell rang and it was an Express Mail package from Polly Plotkin. Bubbie certainly puts new spin on the term "express" mail.

and i'm happy to report she arrived a couple hours later on my doorstep with the most heartbreaking little pout on her face, requesting immunity and bearing two corned beef sandwiches WITH potato salad. she's cleared her name, earned back her privileges.

call me an enabler, but i say Co-Dependent No More has got nothing on the old testament and Juniors Deli.

Involuntary Rhinoplasty: yo baby, dek da halz

since it's every jewish girl's rite of passage to at least *consider* a nose job whether she needs it or not, we are pleased to report yet another benefit of sending kids to public school:  no elitist plastic surgeons to pay for and no waiting a year to get in to see them...just send your darling down the halls of Santa Monica High School carrying her bronze Marc Jacobs handbag repurposed as a book bag with a copy of the latest translation of Crime and Punishment....have her glance down to catch a text message at precisely the wrong moment insuring that she will obliviously walk straight into the scuffle of two 10th grade lunkheads pushing and shoving each other between 2nd and 3rd periods...and voila! before you can check your blackberry, your girl will have a clean smash to the face - and the cheapest nose job this side of Beverly Hills.  once again, all you friends and fellow parents out there who have been foolishly spending your hard earned or trust fund dollars on private school, eat your heart out. all we have to do now is file a police report and we'll have all expenses paid for our darling daughter's nose job. who cares that she didn't need one, it's free!  and she gets to be a victim too.  this is indeed a full bodied Jewish experience.  and think of it, we didn't pay for anesthesia either (no pain, no gain!) we just let her get decked in the halls of her overcrowded, unsupervised school on the same day she had to upload five college applications.
who says maddy's folks aren't looking after her properly in a sound, mature, financially responsible manner?  the way we're doing the math, with all the money we'll save suing the public school with her dad's free attorney from her celebrity grandpa's business office....we'll have that much more cash to steal from her zero coupon bond to buy our girl another Marc Jacobs book bag for college! and maybe some botox for me...you know, just to get rid of the sad worried frown lines i incurred when her face got smashed. now that's what i call Early Action.

sexy laundry

today nancy is fully dressed  in contrast to the people in her painting.  she is dressed and ready to finish her commission from yesterday for the play called Sexy Laundry. (well...that is, she's dressed after shooting the bifurcated family portrait in her Cosco bathrobe with a painted canvas sitting in for her daughter.) in the "reference" photo above she shows how despite possessing hips and wearing Madewell brown cords and a grey cropped cardigan, she can use a shot of her own butt to nail down the pose her client wants: that of an uptight balding squat man getting "goosed" (the director's term) by his wife as they humorously confront the lack of sexuality in their marriage. nancy's not sure if she finds any of this humorous - that marriage is so hard or that she's able to find physical similarities between her own butt and that of an aging hairy man.  

Family Portrait

Because we don't have enough college applications to fill out for maddy or juried art shows to enter to revive nancy's career, jonah decided he needed to jump in and apply to private school. now. this minute. this week. the thought of one more application to anything made nancy want to kill herself. and of course the tony, arty, industry school he thinks will answer his prayers needed a Family Picture.
so last night when adam came over to help fill out the application and basically save the children from what they referred to as "mom's instability"....aka mom wanted to go out to dinner last night with a male friend and ditch the whole thing, mom wanted to do anything but apply to a school of any kind, mom wanted to do anything but compete for money and status last night, mom wanted to do anything but measure, quantify and assess one more time her own or her kids' worthiness. if mom was into heroin, this is when she'd be shooting up. she even confessed to her older male friend that sometimes she truly wishes she could give her kids a drug to make it all go away. the chaos. the confusion. just give everyone a half a xanax to settle down.

but in lieu of sedating her kids, she wanted, simply, to go eat fried bananas at Versailles with someone older than her and talk about anything but AP classes and Megadeth....just for an hour. but no such luck--she hadn't procured a permission slip. her cell mates were blocking her furlough. But there was some progress made.
last night, mom actually went to sleep BEFORE her kids for the first time in months (since co-warden aka Dad swooped in and took a break from writing his Memoir to make a housecall). and while mom settled into bed, the remaining family did homework, filled out jonah's application and voted to take the Family Pic in the a.m. before school.
but in the harsh light of morning with two tests today in AP Government, AP Stats and a quiz in AP Psych...maddy bailed on the photoshoot because she didn't have time to put on her make up and do her hair. i remember feeling that way. wanting to look good. now i'm lucky if i'm dressed in the morning. and note: i'm not dressed in the picture. but it's a new white robe from Cosco bought a year ago by Bubbie and Zaida and given to me just two weeks ago at news years as some kind of weird party favor (they brought 10 of them...and about 97 pieces of shrimp that Zaida feared would be eaten up by jonah's friends..he feared it so much he asked nancy to disinvite jonah and his friends. to which nancy said: Jonah lives here. nancy's friend Kieran visiting from NY backed her up, said he felt she had a "compelling argument". But Zaida wasn't buying it so we had to deputize guests at the party to "police the shrimp" as my father put it..but that's another story)

bottom line is: here's our happy family photo which ends up telling volumes about our family. adam and jonah and nancy. holding a portrait of maddy since the she-wolf wouldn't get out of bed to join us without her black eyeliner. and ironically we think this is a really impressive photo for jonah to send to the snobby school: it shows his mom's a painter, his parents are divorced but still friends (or as Melissa says, dad just drives to his bedroom)...and Jonah poses, as usual, with his best What Me Worry? smile.

as one learns in art school, happy accidents (spilled paint, divorced parents, last minute school applications and vicious overworked daughters) can net out interesting and positive results. and even if he doesn't get accepted to Crossroads, we now have a cute life affirming pic for the family album.

Hillarita: I have emotion

Today Jonah is drawing: Pinuskstan

Jonah's history class was asked to draw a map of a new country. He "came up" with Pinuskastan. As one enlightened branding executive from the east coast (who also happens to be Jonah's Life Coach) asserts: "It should be pointed out that the pinus was indeed a weapon developed during Balkan conflict delivering a chemical liquid payload. Looking at it now, it does coincidentally seem to resemble a penis."

And that wasn't lost on Mr. Gow, Jonah's history teacher--though he couldn't be quite so genealogically and genitally generous. He had to protect his job in the litigious environment of today's public schools. Therefore, a day after Jonah presented the "map" in class, Mr Gow presented me with the goldenrod copy of Jonah's discipline form. On the form there were lots of little teeny tiny boxes to check off for such transgressions as Possessing a Firearm, Dress Code Violation, and Cutting Class. Since there was no box to check off for Drawing a Penis as a Country, Mr. Gow dutifully filled out the Behavior Description as follows: Jonah Nimoy along with five other boys drew a penis as part of a group poster which they presented to the class. The group also made lewd comments as they were presenting. I kept the entire group after class and spoke with them. I also called Jonah's mother and spoke with her. The entire group apologized to the class and agreed to two days of detention.

I signed my copy and sent it back to school to be filed with the canary copy which goes into the Discipline File.

In summation, though Jonah clearly suffers from genetic boundary issues, this Jewish mother is happy to see he has a good moral compass. And despite the many thousands of dollars spent on his Bar Mitzvah buying crazy hats and light up necklaces, the lessons of his torah portion and responsiblity to the Jewish people is not lost on him. #1. Pinuskastan clearly lives in harmony with Israel in what is otherwise a hostile and anti-semitic region--note the powerful and fluid placement of jewish stars. no oppressive self-hating jew stuff for this kid. #2. the penis is large and circumcised and sensitively rendered which displays excellent self esteem, empowerment and fine motor skills. #3. If we can get Jonah through 10th grade without too much more detention - and if the writer's strike gets resolved - perhaps he can actually find gainful employment as a story board artist for Sasha Baron Cohen which is way more than his mother can pull off.

today barack is wearing

a dark slender suit, a white shirt with no tie, dark brown leather shoes like my father wore many years ago, coffee colored skin, intelligent compassionate eyes, an authentic smile, a surplus of character he most likely was born with and the ability to use meaningful multisyllabic words.
today on Erev New Hampshire, the worst thing anyone can say about Barack Obama is that he speaks too well. and offers too much hope. to which he responded and i paraphrase: "I don't recall JFK saying 'We'd like to put a man on the moon but don't get your hopes up'"
ok. enough hope for one day. now i must go consolidate my debt...but thank you barack for giving me the audacity of hope that maybe i (and ther rest of this wounded country) will climb out of the hole this year. financially and spiritually.
(Photo credit: Maddy and Nancy @ Obama rally 4 weeks ago)